You call that a cock block? This is…
The following is a genuine email exchange that took place between me and the Frat-Pack towards the end of my trip to Africa in ’12.
…
Forwarded conversation
Subject: Last night’s episode of Sesame Street…
From: Sean Smithson
Date: 24 September 2012 15:16
To: The Frat-Pack
Was brought to you by the letter F… For FRIGID. Which seem to be the only girls I am capable of meeting out here.
Since Cat and Bianca, I’ve managed to obtain six numbers/emails from various women of the world but still no mathematics.
Four days ago I met a Dutch girl and even used the line ‘Look, I know we’ve just met but it’s highly unlikely that we’ll see one another again… Shall we just f### in my tent?’
Poetry at its best I’m sure you’d agree but alas, I walked away with yet another number and a hug? Though I should be grateful she didn’t blow her r#pe whistle or slap me I guess.
Last night was slightly less frustrating…
I hooked up with a German lady at a club and even managed to pie her room-mate off with a local but much like the Zanzibar affair, it was your classic “Inbetweeners” fumbling session up against the back wall of her hotel.
What makes it worthy of mention however is that a couple of guys patrolling the streets on their neighbourhood watch detail actually must’ve thought I was trying to r#pe her. As pretty much at the exact time that she decided to put her hands on the Alabama Black Snake, they flashed their headlights at us and got out of the car, presumably to come and kick my ar#e.
If she was hesitant before…
Ironically, had those guys not have run the c#ck block of the century, I probably would’ve got my ar#e kicked as I had absolutely no idea where I was or how to get home. The German was too traumatised to let me stay at her place – in spite of my textbook guarantees of only wanting a place to sleep, not wanting sex or that I wouldn’t even get my wang out – but once I explained the situation to these chaps they actually laughed about it and gave me a lift all the way to my hotel!
Honestly, this sh!t can only ever happen to me. Or possibly Stingray? She’s supposed to be at the club again tonight. I think we can safely say that tonight’s episode of Sesame Street will be brought to you by the letter A for ALLOW.
Hope all are good. Till the next episode x
From: Panda Bear
Date: 24 September 2012 15:23
More email’s like this please…
From: Nova
Date: 24 September 2012 15:28
Mate, I have to say that I don’t normally get the chance to read through your essays but I did with this one, and I’m glad. Properly funny mate.
When you say German ‘lady’, I’m thinking Justine with a moustache and hairy armpits..?
Keep safe brother.
From: Northern Monkey
Date: 24 September 2012 16:50
BEEP-BEEP!
From: Panda Bear
Date: 24 September 2012 18:15
Northern Monkey,
I don’t know why this hasn’t had any credit. Genius!
From: Sean Smithson
Date: 25 September 2012 14:31
Northern Monkey, I must second the Bear’s comment. Love your work.
Last night was a total bust by the way… Even the German lezza failed to show!
On the upside, the WiFi connection just about reaches my room so a three-minute clip on p###hub has resulted in a monster 30 min (with buffering) session.
I’m in a bit of pain to be honest but am now flat-packed and ready for one last hurrah tonight.
Pray for me team…
PS – Unknown Male, fairly certain you’ve been to Cape Town before? I get there in four days. Any recommendations? Or if you chaps could ask the Rabbi? He must know some establishments.
From: Guns
Date: 25 September 2012 14:37
Forwarded to the Rabbi. No doubt he’ll know some ‘spots’.
From: Unknown Male
Date: 25 September 2012 14:38
Camps Bay or anywhere on Long Street. Even you can’t go wrong in Cape Town…
From: Sean Smithson
Date: 1 October 2012 21:59
1. 3rd night in Namibia was another bust. Though boy do I have a story for you from my first night in SA;
2. I went to Camps Bay and Long Street. And evidently UM, it is possible not to get any action in Cape Town;
3. There will be twins joining me on the route between Cape Town to Joburg. TWINS.
Reasonable spec and they’re from London so if something happens there could be repeat business. Maybe my luck is about to change..?
Will keep you posted. Word to your mothers x
From: Danny Champion of the World
Date: 2 October 2012 17:23
Yeeeeeeeesssssss!
Although…
…
Think that my friends and I are complete w@nkers?
Or that I must be scraping the barrel for new material given I’m recycling a year old email thread?
Or maybe you’re thinking, ‘my friend / colleague [insert name] would absolutely love this exchange. I just wish there was a way I could share it with her / him as I’m not on Twitter and my mum is friends with me on Facebook..?’
…
Well don’t worry, as you can share this (and any of my stories) with all your friends via the ’email’ button below. And if you’re struggling with how to introduce the exchange, we’ve got that covered too.
Girls:
“Hey [insert name],
I came across this today and thought you might like it. He’s a complete douche but I kind of feel sorry for him. Maybe we should introduce him to [insert name of your sluttiest friend]? LOL”
Guys:
“Hey bro,
You know how we thought [insert name of biggest loser in the office / on campus] had no game. Well this guy makes him look like Barney Stinson!”
And remember. The more people you email, the more chance you’ll be removed from someone’s contact list / blocked by their IT department. But on the upside, I may gain a new reader.
…
If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.
Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.
95 comments on “You call that a cock block? This is…”
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The Office Inbetweener 
Readership is always the upside of sexual failure. No one wants to read about how fucking lucky someone else is getting. 🙂
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Thanks for the silver lining as always MeglyMc. I couldn’t agree with you more… Though of course I would say that wouldn’t I!
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Meg, you are the funniest creepy eye I have ever met.
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She is, isn’t she? And dude, if you haven’t checked out her latest post on Amazon’s most romantic cities, you MUST.
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Crike, I gotta go see that.
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By the way Meg, watch out for Trent. He uses that ‘funniest creepy eye’ line on all the ladies.
Remember, what WE have is special.
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Darling, how could I possibly replace you. You, Sir, are one of a kind.
(If there were two…dear Lord…)
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Had to laugh at this post.Your the worldly fucker man. From Germany to Africa make a stop in Spain, guarantee nice women here, guarantee I´ve have had a slow time lately when it gets to woman. Just got out of a fucked up relationship, need to get in the game again.
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Glad you liked it man. Though I think you meant to say ‘worldly UNLUCKY fucker’.
I have a story from Spain too…
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Put it up, I´ll have another laugh.
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Love the suggested email for forwarding this fine find to friends. I am tempted to send it to my mother. I call it reverse shock treatment…
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It was either that or ‘forward this to as many of your girlfriends as possible and maybe if enough of us bombard him with emails / comments, he’ll delete his bullshit site!’
Glad you approve of my first version though… And yes. You should definitely send it to your mother and then let me know what she says. Hell I may even post it.
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You should rename your blog ‘How not to get laid in any country by any nationality’. Personally, I had a great time in SA! 🙂
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That’s what I’m calling the book! And contrary to the above thread, I absolutely loved it out there. And Africa in general…
I was just unfortunate that every girl I met was a fucking nun!
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What year were you there??
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Come on now Expat Eye… The dates are on the emails. And if you missed that, I even say the thread was from last year. Tut tut…
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Ugh, bit slow today 😉 Still not as slow as you on the pull though…
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Touché
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Comme d’habitude 😉
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I’m torn between hoping you get lucky and wishing you won’t! Haha I can’t decide which I like better, the sex stories or the sex fails.. Keep it up (Fnarr Fnarr)
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Well I think my sex stories are pretty much all sex fails so you’re in luck either way! Glad you’re still enjoying them though. As always, the comments are appreciated too…
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Haha, awwh bless. Sometimes I wish I could share haha, but my blog isn’t anonymous enough :’)
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Which is precisely why I added the email option Heather… Now you can share these posts without offending your regular readers.
Or not. It’s totally up to you. But seriously. Forward it!
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I meant my own stories :’) haha
I’ve already forwarded yours 🙂
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Whoops… my bad. But thank you!
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I wanted to comment to remind you we’re still going on a date when you get here, right?
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Ha… Absolutely. Who else is going to take me out for poutine?
Though I have to ask, have you been drinking? As no one in their right mind would want to go on a date with me after reading this blog surely…
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Poutine makes it worth it.
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Definitely a lot dirtier than my blog post! I’ve commented a few times, have I won a date with you yet? When are you coming to Australia? Haha
Your friends are a very supportive bunch, and I’m hoping your next story involves you not getting lucky with the twins because honestly, I’m seeing a bit of a pattern. You are the master of getting cock blocked Smithson.
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Ha. This is true Daile.
I tell you what, if I ever do make it to Aus again – which is very possible as I’m probably going to be in NZ for a wedding in April – then we’re definitely going for drinks… And even if we have a terrible time at least we’ll have some new material for a post!
And as far as getting cock blocked, you’re absolutely right. I seem to have a hidden talent for it. And if it’s not by someone else then it’s by me!
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Sounds like a plan Smithson.
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Haha this made for great Tuesday-afternoon-trying-to-make-the-day-pass-quicker reading!
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Wonderful. I’m glad I could help you out but more importantly, that you enjoyed the piece. Hopefully you’ll find some more ways to pass-the-day-reading on here…
I note that you’re a Vancouver girl too (currently)… Which, until I went to Cape Town was my favourite place in the world. Well. Aside from the Goldfingers strip club in Prague of course!
Thanks for the comment by the way. I really appreciate it.
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Word to your mothers- that’s how I’m going to start signing off on my posts. Vanilla Ice style.
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Rollin’ in my 5.0 with my rag-top down so my hair can blow… Your stock is rising Miss Steele.
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So, I had a bit of minor surgery on my head yesterday. Sure hope it wasn’t too soon for me to laugh so mu……
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Ha! Love this comment A.N. And of course, I hope the head’s ok…
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Oh my, thanks for wishing my head “okay.” Hilarious stories here regardless of whether my head’s okay or not.
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Stop it, you’re making me blush… Though I’m glad you liked this one as it had been lingering in my inbox for over a year waiting until the time was right to share. I just hope someone actually forwards the message ha!
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I used to live in Namibia and had myself some interesting action with a guy in the backpackers at the top of Long Street. Just thought you’d want to know.
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No way? Whereabouts? The town that I got the partial hand-job in was called Swakopmund..?
Interesting eh..? As in mathematics? Or a car flashed its headlights at you..?!
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O yes, I know Swakop very well! Did you stop into Luderitz at all? I lived there for a while and in Windhoek for a while.
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Didn’t make it to Luderitz and we only passed through Windhoek unfortunately… Had I have known how ‘unproductive’ Swakop was though I would’ve tried to spend some time there!
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Yeh, well I was in Luderitz so of course it would have been more interesting.
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Forgot to say where my CPT experience was. It was in a place called Long Street Backpackers, at the top end of Long Street, up by the club called Joburg and the Pickwick cafe place. Sound familiar?
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I was definitely in Joburg one, maybe two nights.
And I do remember people saying that the Long St Backpackers was a ‘good’ place to stay but no word of a lie, I met another German girl who was staying somewhere called Big Blue (or something similar), so I decided to stay there instead.
Should’ve gone to Long Street Laura…
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You should’ve. Well, we’ll never know now.
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How did no one get any action in Cape Town? I was in the city last week and got a good make out session out of the deal! LOL
Camps Bay is AWESOME!
Long Street – not my thing anymore though. A decade ago it was top class.
What happened with the twins?
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Okay I’ll level with you Liam, I sent that email around 9pm on my second night in Cape Town.
And shortly afterwards, I actually tried to get the twins to come out but they declined as we were supposed to be heading off the next morning. Rather than be sensible and head to bed myself, I went out with a bunch of European exchange students who were over for the weekend from Port Elizabeth I believe.
We ended up in Dubliners from memory and pretty much stayed there until closing. I eventually wound up back at the hostel with another frigid, German girl! True story.
I’ll never know what may have happened with the twins (probably nothing) as I decided to persevere with the German chick and stayed in Cape Town whilst the others carried on to Joburg…
I should’ve gone to JoBurg!
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The Dubliner is pretty cool! I have been there a couple times.
You probably should have gone to JoBurg hahaha….
At least you got her to a less frigid state?
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You’re right. I did get to see boobs this time so it wasn’t a total bust…
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Nice word play! And that is why I keep on coming back…gotta love Sean Smithson
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Ha. You’re too kind Liam. And truth be told, I didn’t even realise I’d done that until you pointed it out!
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Well, I thought I would find out what a cock block is but..I’m still not sure. Is it something that gets in the way of you getting it off? Or is it some kind of car? signed Clueless of Downunder
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A kind of car? Brilliant. Just brilliant.
Well Urban Dictionary defines it as one who prevents another from scoring sexually – “Trudy and Dan frequently had time alone but her cockblocking roommate ruined any chances they had to have sex.”
But I believe it should be further classified by the type of block i.e. intentional (which makes the blocker a real bastard) or accidental (as was the case in my story… I hope)
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Strike 3! You’re out. 🙂
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I think I was out before the ball had even been pitched Shelley!
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Deeply unfortunate scenario. Polite and helpful cock-blockers be damned.
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I know, right? That was probably my best shot at getting some in Africa without paying for it. Which I didn’t do before you ask.
But looking at it from the other side, it was nice to see that something like that exists. Especially when you read about the kind of things that are happening in India right now…
Still. I fucking hate those guys.
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I hate them for you. lol
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I think it’s pretty awesome that your blog started as a series of emails. You true-blue entertainer, you. I have to ask, though (and this was a subtle mention in another blog about being single in your 30′s): what’s your parrot’s name? For some reason I just want to know.
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Thanks Jami. My friend Northern Monkey actually set a blog up for me when I left for India but I never once made use of it. However I did hang on to any email exchanges that made me laugh; this was certainly one of them. When I eventually get round to writing about my time in India, you’ll see a couple more I’m sure.
Ha. This bitter, loser hasn’t purchased one YET. But when he does, he’ll probably name it after his chum, Flembo.
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Flembo is a lovely name. Get a parrot, man. There is no solvent to bitterness like an animal – they can cure like no human can. My humble opinion. P.s I am obsessed with India these days – through no proactive will of my own – people have thrust movies and books upon me lately, god knows why. Looking forward to reading those stories…and how you got lost in Peru, as well!
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Haha leave it up to you to get yourself in some sticky (or rather, lack thereof) situations. And the winner of Cock Blocked of the Year goes to…
“Sean Smithso-”
YO SEAN YO SEAN, IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT BEYONCE WAS THE BEST FEMALE VOCALIST OF ALL TIME.
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Oh man, what an honour. Where do I start? Hmm… I’d like to thank the people of Africa. In particular, the good folk at Neighbourhood Watch Namibia…
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Here’s how I see it. You got cock blocked in about the most epic way possible. Consider yourself lucky. This is way better than your roommate just not leaving when he knows you’re trying to have sex. Which is when I just start having sex anyways… their loss (or gain?)
Then again, maybe I’m strange because I want to have sex with the guy who’s story goes like “one time in Africa, I got cock blocked by these guys who thought I was trying to rape this girl. Funny, really.”
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It was a spectacular block. But enough of that. You were saying something about having sex with me..?
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Haha why yes. Yes I was. Perhaps we should make a date of it (except no date like part required besides a time and place).
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Deal!
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Sean, I want to be young again – can you help me with that? Can’t you just tell a story where you pretend to be 40 with three kids, just to make me feel better about myself? Even cockblocked, I like your life (well, I like mine too, but still).
Glad you didn’t get your ass handed to you though, and that those guys were nice enough to drive you home.
By the way, you show up in my reader now. I think you’ve arrived.
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Believe me Trent, with the ever expanding waistline, discovery of new hairs on my pillowcase every day and now, rapidly fading eyesight, I certainly feel like I’m 40… Actually fuck that, I feel a lot older than that.
Same here. That situation could’ve gone an entirely different way man. And even though they cost me some (potential) action, as I said to Joey above: I’m genuinely pleased to know that those guys are out there doing what they do. The wankers!
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Ha– I never got such lovely replies when I sent out mass e-mails whilst traveling. It was all crickets, even when I threatened them with chain-letter like doom that they had to reply or else die in a fiery crash. Perhaps I should have sweetened the deal by throwing in some details of sexual exploits. Hmm. Next time…
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Always go with the sexual exploits Aussa. When Nova said (above) that he never usually gets time to read my ‘essays’ that was just his polite way of saying ‘only send me shit if it’s about women.’
I definitely got the ‘crickets’ vibe when I was sending them updates on the volunteer work in India. But the mere mention of a girl’s name would destroy my inbox!
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I’m now actually trying to think of a slutty friend for you. Preferably one that likes cheap imitation KFC. I’ll get back to you.
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Ha. Brilliant.
I told them, ‘Just you watch… eventually this blogging bollocks will lead to me having sex…’ God speed. And thank you.
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Bloggers are right up there with musicians as far as I’m concerned.
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What’s with the cock blocking? I thought the code was bros before hos?
I never sent out mass emails like this because I never had any sexual exploits to brag about. But I missed out on the opportunity for some comedy gold by not sharing some of my failed attempts too.
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I know, right? Though even I can forgive them for this one… Just about.
Weebs, just send the mass emails out now. It’s not too late. I’ll forward them on to the Frat-Pack for sure.
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I guess by commenting I could now possibly win a date with you..
In which case, I have to ask – although I’m not sure I want the answer –
what is the “Alabama Black Snake?”
Go easy on me. It’s been a while.
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Seriously, have you never seen Kubrick’s “Full Metal Jacket”? It’s what you probably think it is.
Regarding the date thing; I wish I’d never changed that prompt now. But there have been so many responses referencing it that I just have to live with it now…
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I HAVE seen that. I’ve seen everything.
But I’ve forgotten the reference. Hah.
Yes. Live with it. We all want to win a date with Sean. It’s a thing.
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I’m sure that’s not at all the case but thanks, I’ll take that.
I knew you must’ve seen it.
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You should start a book with only emails….a few years worth maybe. Then, make a time capsule, only to be opened by your grandchildren in 40 years. Hopefully you will still be alive and able to hide yourself behind a tree to watch their responses!!! Priceless! 🙂
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Whilst I think that’s actually a very cool idea, I’m not sure that my kids (if I ever have any) would want their kids to know what a horny douche their grandfather used to be!
There are definitely some other email gems lurking around though.
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LOL! CLEARLY YOU KNOW I WAS JUST JACKING AROUND…..HOWEVER IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS JUST JUMPING IN MY BRAIN. AND…WHO KNOWS, YOU MAY HAVE ALOT OF CHILDREN OUT THERE THAT YOU WONT FIND OUT ABOUT UNTIL LATER. 🙂
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Of course I do Tia. Apologies if I came across as being serious. And with regard to the children, I hope not.
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You dont ever need to apologize, I was just worried you may consider me a prudish fool, with high expectations of you. 🙂 I hope not either, in regards to the children, but Im sure you would be a stellar dad….if it suited your fancy!! Also, Im not sure why I capitalized my previous comment…I assure you…Not in anger. Haha!! 🙂
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30 minutes of buffering when you wanted to be buffing something else would be rather frustrating , umm, not speaking from experience of course *cough*
I’m thinking an availability sign might have been the way to go lol
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Juls, that should SO be a caption for fast broadband advertising. You’re a genius.
“30 minutes of buffering when you want to be buffing something else..? Then you need Indecisive Broadband.”
And yes, if I ever return to Africa, I’m going to wear one of those sandwich boards!
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Lol @ indecisive broadband! Less buffering….more beating!
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How do I sign up?
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You send me extortionate amounts of money and i send you two tin pots and string and an instructional Dvd, which is really porn. After 7 days I’ll send someone round to change said DVD, cos by that time you’ll not know if you’re blown up or stuffed anyway lol
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Sounds more than reasonable. I’m in.
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Your pain is our pleasure, buddy.
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So long as someone is smiling at the end of it all Hook, then I’m happy…
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