In addition to naked women and awesome playlists, strip clubs are also great as they’re almost always quieter than the local haunts. And the extortionate price of drinks usually ensures that you can ditch even the most desperate of hangers-on.
So when one of the new interns, Joe, wanted to have a serious talk with me about career progression (I know, right?), I suggested that we go to Secrets to avoid his entourage of fellow graduates.
After successfully dismissing the early bird crowd, we were approached by a couple of English girls, Shanice and Kerri. They were both pretty cute and Kerri’s bar was exemplary so I certainly had no objection to them hanging around.
Unfortunately Joe hadn’t finished boring me to tears by that point so we told them to stop by later if they wanted.
Why won’t they talk to me?
Up until that point, not one girl had even spoken to me and we’d probably been in the club for close to an hour. Luckily Joe wasn’t the sort to rub that in my face but I could tell that he was quietly loving this fact.
So when the girls returned, I couldn’t hold back any longer and asked Shanice why she thought I was being ignored in favour of Joe, who by now was pissing himself laughing at my schoolboy tantrum.
Shanice: “Well. And I don’t wanna cause no offence. U don’t really look like ur interested in spendin any money. And he looks like he’d spend loads!”
Whilst I couldn’t help but be impressed by her candour I did smile as I thought to myself:
‘If only she knew what an idiot I actually was…’
Me: “Ah. So what you’re saying is that I look tight and he looks gullible. Charming. I’m so glad you girls stopped by again.”
In spite of the clear damage to our feelings, hanging out with them turned out to be a lot of fun and we ended up sitting around talking for a bit.
…
Shanice: “Can I jus say by the way, that u look well like Chris Martin.”
Joe: “What??”
As you can see from the picture, he looks nothing like him. Liam Gallagher maybe but I’d never heard of Chris Martin before.
Me: “Yeah Shanice, I’m not sure where you’re getting that one from.”
Kerri: “Hang about, who’s Chris Martin?”
Shanice: “U no? The lead singer of Coldplay?”
Kerri: “Coldplay? Which ones are they?”
I swear some of the other strippers even stopped dancing when they heard that.
Joe: “No fucking way. You don’t know who Coldplay are?”
Kerri: “Nah, nah, of course I no. I jus cant put a face to the name right now.”
As much as we would have liked to have continued Kerri’s education in pop culture, in that world, everything comes down to earning money. And before too long they were in our ears about getting a dance.
Figuring it was the least we could do, we opted to have a dual lap dance; Kerri for me, Shanice for Joe.
No… where are you going?
They were about half way into the second song. Kerri’s tits were so close I was even contemplating the ‘motorboat’ when, much to my disappointment, she suddenly pulled away and belted out:
“Ohh yeeah. Cold Play. In ma place, in ma place.
Lines that I could not erase. Oh yeah.
Yeeah, I no Chris Martin. And no.
He don’t look anyfing like him you dozy tart!”
If you’ve been with me since day one, my apologies as you may have read that already. However it will have been new to the vast majority of you. And furthermore, it has now been wonderfully illustrated by the extremely talented, Carla Juniper (albeit I’m still not convinced my eyebrows are that big).
For illustrations on your own blogs, books, whatever; I thoroughly recommend checking her site out. Plus for every new commission she receives as a result of my shout out, Carla has agreed to give me a hand-job. Oh no wait. That’s what I agreed to.
…
If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.
Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.
Who did they think you looked like? (Apart from a tightarse, of course)
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Hahaha… Nice. Very nice. And I have no idea.
Though my mum saw Carla’s first attempt at drawing me and said I looked like a shady, Indian, taxi driver!
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Your mum sounds fun 😉
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This final version still looks somewhat like a shady Indian taxi driver…
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You know what, Nancy? You’re kind of right. Maybe that’s the real reason no girls were talking to me that night..?
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Just busting your balls Seany!
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LOL This is great!
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Thanks Miss Marcia. That was easily the funniest experience I’ve ever had in a strip club… Though Kerri has ruined that song for me forever!
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Great Comedy mate, a scorcher.
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Cheers bud. Definitely one of the funniest things I’ve witnessed… In LIFE, not just in strip clubs.
And Carla has more than done justice to the piece with her illustrations.
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Roger that.
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Love. It. The story and the illustrations. Oh Sean…
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Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it. What’s happened to your profile picture by the way?
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I don’t know!!! I have no idea what happened to my “gravartar!!!” I’m thinking of becoming “un-anonymous” just because I hate my standardized photo so much!!!
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And the cow? He… eats grass? And he knows who Chris Martin is?
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The cow definitely knows who Chris Martin is!
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Good job. That was weighing heavily on my mind, wondering about the cow and Chris Martin. (The Cow And Chris Martin sounds a bit like a book title.)
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Lol!! Is it rude of me to say that the lass sounds like an uneducated chav? illustrations are just awesome Sean, love it!!
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That’s exactly how both of them sounded! But very cool girls nonetheless… Glad you enjoyed it.
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yes now I want all your other posts to be illustrated !! argh!!
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Wait. People talk in strip clubs?
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Ha. Not only do they talk Marie. They sing!
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They make you sing too I bet. But the talking? Not necessary.
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Occasionally, yes… Trust me though Marie. Given my ability to dispense money in the tiddy bar, the more talking, the better!
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I must say Chris Martin has the most unremarkable face, so it is probably a good thing not to look like him. I literally can’t imagine what he looks like.
Nice story though, enjoyed it!
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Thanks man. I enjoyed many of the posts on your blog too – the Liebster award ‘acceptance speech’ was a classic… And a fellow University of London chap too.
I can’t say too much for fear of letting the cat out of the bag, but the FIRM is literally round the corner from your campus… And yes, I think Joe dodged a bullet there!
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Ah cheers man. Your blog has provided me with much amusement today, so thanks!
Oh how interesting, maybe we’ve walked past each other going about our day to day London business?
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Aw man! She started singing THAT before you could motorboat?
Poor guy. You should have been able to motorboat BEFORE she started singing a song that wasn’t even one of their biggest hits? Random choice.
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Exactly what I thought at the time… Motorboat first. Singing second.
The original may not have been one of their big hits but I guarantee you if Kerri’s cover ever got released, it’d be a smash.
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This has made even me want to go to a strip club. Though I might have to turn and walk out if a Chris Martin was there.
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Poor Chris Martin. He doesn’t seem to be anyone’s favourite…
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Mr. Sean! had some minutes to read you all, had some laughs also.
Good reading you sir.
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Hey Charly, haven’t seen you round these parts in a while. Though I know you’ve had other shit going on…
If you’ve got a bit more time to spare, you should definitely check this one out from Curious Emily – http://seansmithson.com/2014/02/25/smithson-vs-curious-the-ones-that-got-away/
A girl’s perspective on things…
Hope you’re well man.
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Be back home tomorrow!! So I´ll definately check it out.
Good hearing from you.
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Having family members that work in the “industry”, it really is about who looks like they need “company” the most and the potential dollahs.
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Family members in the industry! When can I come round..?
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I would go with you to a strip club if we lived in the same area. I would have the women all over both of us. A good time would be had by all. 🙂
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I need more friends like you.
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‘I swear some of the other strippers even stopped dancing when they heard that.’ Now there is a sentence me old mum never once said! Great post.
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Arguably my most memorable experience in a strip club Mike. Though for none of the reasons I would usually have expected…
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I was going to comment something about wanting to have sex with all your friends and then I thought, ‘hmm better not’.
And then I did.
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Ha. In spite of my continual begging, none of my chums actually read the blog so I’m afraid that your confession has gone to waste my dear. But I shall let them know.
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It hasn’t gone to waste! You know, everyone who trolls your comments knows (these people exist right?)
But thanks! Tell them however that they’re well below you on the list of wants.
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Aww… I bet you say this kind of shit to all the male bloggers. Actually scratch that, after reading one of your most recent posts, ALL bloggers.
But thanks nonetheless.
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Haha actually that’s a reasonable assumption but I haven’t outwardly said I wanna bang anyone else, but if I put some thought into it… There’s probably some ladies I’d love to have sex with
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The strippers profiled you as a tightwad. Now that, right there, is some funny shit, Sean! 🙂
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I KNOW, RIGHT?!
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Totally.
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I laugh every time I’m here. LOL
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Well then, I’m clearly doing something right. Thanks.
And the same can be said for when I’m over at your blog. I really appreciated the shout-out for the guys with small dicks by the way. I don’t think I ever sent you a picture of mine but it felt like you were speaking about me specifically…
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I’m just commenting in order to win a date with you. You do look like Chris Martin, right?
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A dead ringer Christina. You do know who he is, right..?
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Not a clue.
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Well you’re certainly not alone.
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Oh my. Well, whatever works I suppose. I reckon they’ve told worse tales to get money. A girl’s gotta eat!
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Worse tales perhaps. But worse musical performaces..? I sincerely doubt that Joey.
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LOL Okay, well maybe not worse musical performances!
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Sean, I’m glad I get to catch up on these. Dude, I thought you were Sri Lankan – that disqualifies you from looking like Chris Martin, by the way, cause he’s no where near as good as a Sri Lankan. Hilarious as always, and I appreciate the illustrations. You tightwad.
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Thanks as always. Yes, for a girl who claims to have never been to a titty bar, the illustrations were oddly perfect…
And as for the tightwad comment, I guess, just like with Shanice, I’m going to have to prove you wrong. That’s not an invitation for you to dance for me by the way man.
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From her point of view, most look like Chris Martin. All she sees is the top of your head when you have your face in her tits.
Do you know what strippers do with their asshole before going on stage?
They drop him off at band practice.
Brown people are terrible tippers…everyone knows that…especially ‘dancers.’ 😉
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Ha. Not ALL brown people man. Though admittedly most of them. Love that Chris Martin visual. And the asshole line. In fact, I may have to steal the latter and palm it off as my own around the guys.
Embarrassing stories; I can take care of myself. But jokes / one-liners; I need all the help I can get.
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Feel free to “palm it off.” I stole it from my buddy that worked as DJ in titty bar. 🙂 He said you want to marry them all…until they open their mouth and you realize how stupid they are….like really stupid.
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To be fair, Chris Martin sounds like the name of a guy who works in a chip van on weekends…
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This is true Janey. Man is poor old Chris getting a tough time…
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The only thing that would be better than that, is if a Coldplay song had come on overhead, and she had sung along with the entire tune during your lap dance! However, she would have to charge you extra, and it was clear you didn’t have extra!;). Awesome story!
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Agreed. That would’ve been something else for sure. But I honestly don’t think a Coldplay song has ever been played in a strip club…
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So what caused the final connection that made her remember who Coldplay is??? This was brilliant. “Hang about” and “you dozy tart”? I love it!
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I honestly have no idea Molly. Though I obviously couldn’t have been that ‘special’ a customer as she was clearly thinking a lot more about Coldplay than me at the time!
Yes, she was definitely no Duchess of Cambridge…
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