Smithson vs Juniper – Chris Martin

In addition to naked women and awesome playlists, strip clubs are also great as they’re almost always quieter than the local haunts. And the extortionate price of drinks usually ensures that you can ditch even the most desperate of hangers-on.

So when one of the new interns, Joe, wanted to have a serious talk with me about career progression (I know, right?), I suggested that we go to Secrets to avoid his entourage of fellow graduates.

After successfully dismissing the early bird crowd, we were approached by a couple of English girls, Shanice and Kerri. They were both pretty cute and Kerri’s bar was exemplary so I certainly had no objection to them hanging around.

Unfortunately Joe hadn’t finished boring me to tears by that point so we told them to stop by later if they wanted.

Why won’t they talk to me?

Up until that point, not one girl had even spoken to me and we’d probably been in the club for close to an hour. Luckily Joe wasn’t the sort to rub that in my face but I could tell that he was quietly loving this fact.

So when the girls returned, I couldn’t hold back any longer and asked Shanice why she thought I was being ignored in favour of Joe, who by now was pissing himself laughing at my schoolboy tantrum.

Shanice: “Well. And I don’t wanna cause no offence. U don’t really look like ur interested in spendin any money. And he looks like he’d spend loads!”

Whilst I couldn’t help but be impressed by her candour I did smile as I thought to myself:

‘If only she knew what an idiot I actually was…’

Me: “Ah. So what you’re saying is that I look tight and he looks gullible. Charming. I’m so glad you girls stopped by again.”

In spite of the clear damage to our feelings, hanging out with them turned out to be a lot of fun and we ended up sitting around talking for a bit.

…

Shanice: “Can I jus say by the way, that u look well like Chris Martin.”

Joe: “What??”

As you can see from the picture, he looks nothing like him. Liam Gallagher maybe but I’d never heard of Chris Martin before.

Me: “Yeah Shanice, I’m not sure where you’re getting that one from.”

Kerri: “Hang about, who’s Chris Martin?”

Shanice: “U no? The lead singer of Coldplay?”

Kerri: “Coldplay? Which ones are they?”

I swear some of the other strippers even stopped dancing when they heard that.

Joe: “No fucking way. You don’t know who Coldplay are?”

Kerri: “Nah, nah, of course I no. I jus cant put a face to the name right now.”

As much as we would have liked to have continued Kerri’s education in pop culture, in that world, everything comes down to earning money. And before too long they were in our ears about getting a dance.

Figuring it was the least we could do, we opted to have a dual lap dance; Kerri for me, Shanice for Joe.

No… where are you going?

They were about half way into the second song. Kerri’s tits were so close I was even contemplating the ‘motorboat’ when,  much to my disappointment, she suddenly pulled away and belted out:

“Ohh yeeah. Cold Play. In ma place, in ma place.

Lines that I could not erase. Oh yeah.

Yeeah, I no Chris Martin. And no.

He don’t look anyfing like him you dozy tart!”

If you’ve been with me since day one, my apologies as you may have read that already. However it will have been new to the vast majority of you. And furthermore, it has now been wonderfully illustrated by the extremely talented, Carla Juniper (albeit I’m still not convinced my eyebrows are that big).

For illustrations on your own blogs, books, whatever; I thoroughly recommend checking her site out. Plus for every new commission she receives as a result of my shout out, Carla has agreed to give me a hand-job. Oh no wait. That’s what I agreed to.

CarlaJuniper.com

…

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.