# 2 – Always heed caution if the one hour price (or pro rata equivalent) is less than £100.
If they are willing to service you for less, they must be desperate; which means they are amenable to sleeping with all sorts and have possibly contracted all sorts at some stage. Placing your Johnson in unnecessary danger.
Nottingham (summer 2004)
After hearing that Nottingham University had the highest ratio of girls to boys in the country, T-Money, myself and a few others decided to pay our friend Tom – who was studying there at the time – a visit.
Now although the ratio suggested that the odds were stacked in our favour, there was no adjustment for lack of game.
So after a third successive night of no action, I found myself wondering along Forest Road (a shady area fabled for its street hookers) with Tom’s friend, Ed.
Having walked up and down the road to no avail, we were just about to leave when a cab pulled up a few feet in front of us and out stepped a lady dressed in a cheap looking white suit. She walked in front of us for a few minutes without making eye contact.
Ed: “Dude, do you think she’s a brass?”
Me: “Shut up Ed. She can bloody hear you” I snapped back, worried that we may offend her.
Ed: “Well I think she is and I’m gonna find out.” At which point Ed walked ahead to catch up with her… “Excuse me, do you have the time?”
Lady in cheap white suit/potential brass: “Yeah, it’s just gone one”… Long, excruciating pause… “Are you boys looking for some action by any chance?”
Ed: “I knew it! See Smithson, I told you she was a brass.”
Nice Ed. Way to build up the girl’s self-esteem.
Confirmed brass: “So I take it that’s a yes then?” After commencing the bidding at £10 for head, they eventually settled on £30.
For everything!
Now even if you’ve never done this sort of stuff before, you’ve got to know that that just doesn’t sound right. I suggested to Ed that we just go home (by that stage, I’d decided jerking off was a better option) but he was having none of it.
So following an awkward session down a nearby alley, which included her answering her phone to another ‘client’ mid blowjob and Ed explaining to her (mid fucking I might add) that my ‘homosexuality’ was the reason I wasn’t keen to partake, we jumped in a cab back home.
It was whilst fumbling around trying to find his keys that Ed noticed both his hands were stained in blood.
Ed: “Urrgh! What the fuck is this?” he screamed at me, waving his palms in front of my face.
Me: “I don’t fucking know dude but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t fling those things in my direction” I wailed back, edging closer to my door and seriously contemplating jumping out of the moving cab just to ensure he didn’t touch me.
After a few seconds of staring at one another in disbelief, he finally composed himself and drew his hands in to take a closer look.
Me: “Maybe she was on her period?” I said, still hugging the back door. “You did wear a condom right?”
Ed: “Yeah of course.”
Me: “Ok let’s just calm down then. Tom must keep some bleach or something downstairs. When we get in, douse your hands, and probably your cock, in that stuff before having a shower. There’s probably a clinic near the uni where you can get yourself checked out in the morning.” And we both got out of the cab and didn’t speak about the incident again.
…
I saw Ed randomly a couple of years later on the tube and am very pleased to report that he didn’t catch anything that night. But the moral of the story; if a girl is only going to charge you something in the low double figures.
Please. Get the fuck out of there!
…
If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.
Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.
Haha 😀
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Really interesting story. Curious about the blood, we never do find out where it came from do we?
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I am curious why you are curious.
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Because it is intriguing. You mention the bloody hands, they freak out, and then… you leave us hanging. 😉 If you read this, wouldn’t you want to know? But it’s good though, I am wanting to know more of your story. It left me hungry. A writer should want that.
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Dear Sean,
The topic, “Negotiating with Hookers” gave a yank. I like the non-chalance of providing Golden Rules, as in love thy neighbor as thyself. The line at the end of that section: “Placing your Johnson…” is dreamy. The “Cheap looking white suit” gave other images, like bleached blond, track-marked arms, and way too thin. I loved the question mark after ““Dude, do you think she’s a brass?” And how she might have heard. She stood there for a few minutes at the outset getting a sense of you. The joke of her overhearing and it offending her was splendid. The blood is a good indication that she was on her period, otherwise, I don’t think she could have gone on and performed. The request that Ed not wave his hands was cute. Again, Get the F- out of there is another endearing personality trait of yours. I saw frat boys venturing out to party. Good writing old man.
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Dude, I think this is the best review I’ve had of anything I’ve ever done in my life! Thanks a lot man. Glad you enjoyed it.
For more tips of how not to have sex with hookers. Or just girls in general, stay tuned.
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I am flattered I was able to even write a “review,” I never knew what that was until you said it. I did enjoy your story very much. There’s something brief and flippant about your writing and yet intellectual; it holds one by the ear. Brief is good in this day and age.
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I never actually laugh when reading but I really laughed aloud. P.S. Thanks for liking Scriptures for Strippers.
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I don’t believe that you NEVER laugh when reading. But if that is in fact the case, then I’m very pleased you chose to pop your ‘laughter’ cherry with me.
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Hahahaha once again you’ve managed to floor me with your candid humour. I LOVE the way you write. You’ll be pleased to know the ratio of girls to boys is still more or less 2:1. I should know as I’m a current student there. However I’m not surprised you didn’t get much action, we like to keep it ‘classy’ or at least very well hidden. I’m sure if you’d probed hard enough you would have got some
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You’re too kind Wandering Angel, thank you.
No way. And I presume you live in Lenton? That was where Ed and I headed back to after the above episode.
Maybe next time I’m in town you can wingwoman for me?
And if that doesn’t work, WE could always just hook up..?
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I chose to live in Radford, cheaper rent but rougher area. And of course I will, im the best wingwoman there is. And yes failing that we’d see where the walk back to Radford would take us 😉 lol
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Never try to negotiate with a hooker and probably never will at 75! I was in the Navy for 24 years so don’t think I didn’t come across any. I always held the principle if you had to pay it was making love. Thanks for visiting my blog
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Irish, I think you meant that if you had to pay for sex then it wasn’t making love.
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Never try renegotiate after she has you handcuffed to the bed.
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Ha! Noted ‘a real nice guy’. I’ll bear that in mind for the future, thanks.
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I thought for certain that £100 was already too low of a price. It’s nice to know that desperation can buy something cheaper.
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You’re clearly a lot classier than me… Who in turn, is A LOT classier than Ed!
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Hah I wouldn’t be so sure. I’m certain in some aspects Ed and I are on the same level.
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I just re-read your latest piece (love your refreshingly honest style by the way). Yes… Perhaps I was too quick to paint you as a classy broad!
I kid. Big fan of your work.
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Haha. Why thank you! You can look forward to a continual shit show in my future.
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Sean, this statement implies that you are extremely funny. The idea that The Shit Show is classier than you and thus classier than Ed means that you are classier than Ed, which is funny to say. While it may be a fact given all the information about him we have read, you are supposed to defer to your friend’s as being better than you by convention. Here, you are just plain honest and that’s what’s funny. You are equally involved, but the way you write is like a narrator, who is above the story, hovering. It is a natural voice, where at least for me, I remain apart of the events. You make an indifferent narrator, which is an envious role to play. Outstanding Man!
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I don’t even have a corky comment for this story….glad Ed didn’t catch anything..and that you have more sense than him. I’m also glad even though you two didn’t speak of the incident again that you’ve posted about it for the world to learn from and enjoy. Bravo. I will continue to visit your page because it’s too difficult to stop myself. I’m addicted to reading about your shenanigans.
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Ha. Well thank you my dear (or should I say dears). Though I don’t know if Ed would be so happy if he found out I posted this!
Just out of interest, to whom am I speaking; Caroline or Elizabeth?
So glad to hear that you’re enjoying my tales of desperation and dickhead-ness. Though are you laughing with me or at me..? Actually bollocks, that doesn’t really matter does it? Just so long as you’re laughing.
I look forward to your next visit.
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Caroline….and I’m laughing with you.
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Snappily written piece!
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Thank you kindly.
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Tuck and roll. Best way to get out of a moving cab without it actually having to stop. Trust me, I’m Irish.
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When the hell was that? Thanks for the advice though. I’ll definitely remember that for the future…
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South Africa maybe. Can’t be sure. But it’s definitely good advice 😉
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ayo. your blog makes my day at work. thanks, yo.
http://intothebeauty.wordpress.com/2013/11/06/versatile-blogger-award/
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Thank you once again Lara. Not just for the nomination but for the comment.
It’s encouragement like that that makes me think a book might not actually be a complete flop… Though in all likelihood, it probably will be.
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Anytime, sir! You totally should do a book. It’ll be hard, since blogging is far easier than putting together an actual book, but you’ve got PLENTY of material.
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The things one learns here….except I thought there were supposed to be TWO golden rules… I only saw one. Now how the hell am I supposed to negotiate with my hooker?? Huh? How? nevermind, I don’t think I should have to pay for sex either.
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Ha. I think that you’re the only person who spotted that Julie… Relax though; #1 will be in the book. Assuming you actually want to read it of course.
And yes, you shouldn’t have to. But in case you ever find yourself in the situation…
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oh wait,! this may have been tips for when I BECOME the hooker! you can learn a lesson from both sides! Oh you are so clever Sean! Of course I want to read it! you will no doubt want to send me an autographed copy… 🙂
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For you Julie, I’ll even include a naked picture of MYSELF.
And wow, I hadn’t thought about it that way. But yes, I guess it can be used as a guideline for the future working girls of this world…
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ok then. See? You don’t even know how wonderful you are being! and I would love the naked picture too…
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hahahahaha
I’m so glad you didn’t go there too!!
Red hands *gigglesnort*
Did he learn from this encounter I wonder? Or does he still skimp?
I can only imagine the mirth that the cabbie had to contain, because I’d have had to pull over to laugh at y’all.
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It’s weird Sharn. Looking back on it now, I find that whole experience quite funny (obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t have written about it). But at the time… Oh man… I was so scared he was going to touch me! And of course, I was really worried for him.
You know what, I have no idea what the cabbie must’ve been thinking. But your’e right, it must’ve been quite an entertaining experience for him too.
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You could always send him a bottle of hand sanitiser for Xmas!
Well, look at it this way, since I never pay for sex… Anyone that’s obviously offering me a discount is dubious.
Although there was this one time that I got picked up by a couple thinking I was a hooker. I didn’t realise until they wanted to start talking payment! Awkward.
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At which point you…?
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Curiosity killed the cat dear Sean.
You might need to buy me a few beers before I divulge that one.
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Just as well I’m coming to Aus next month then, hey?
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Yes it is just as well!
There are some stories that I need alcohol to tell. Aren’t you lucky? 😀
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Jerking off was definitely the right choice.
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In my life, it almost always is Daile.
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Maybe stick to Amsterdam if you want to pay for it. Condoms and checkups and of age. To all certainly don’t be one of the jerks that go to SE asia to screw a child. I think hookers in Amsterdam are E100 for suck and fuck…I mean so I hear. Me personally, I don’t want to know where that blood came from…
Sure brah, if you want a naked photo, happy to send. I usually save them for the ladies and the IT guys pretending to be ladies in chat rooms, but if you really want it…
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I’m sure you’re busy man but I wish you commented more often!
I’ll pass on the pictures man. But thanks for the heads up on the Dam. Amazingly, it’s one place I’ve never been. Yet…
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Oh and dude, I may do some questionable shit (in some people’s eyes) but as Meatloaf once said, I won’t do that. Seriously, that’s messed up and the guys who entertain that should all be jailed.
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Questionable shit is always commendable and strongly encouraged as long she’s 18. 🙂 Oh, and you know, maybe your bud has a super big vagina crushing boner that can even crack open a crack whore….nah…he has a small pee pee and it was her super gnarly zombie causing 3 day old period blood mixed with about dozen guy’s spunk..
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HAHAHA Again you brighten my day with your stories. And I agree completely anything under a 200$ or 100 pounds DON’T DO IT! I shared it with my roommate and our friends and a few others. Brillante. Fantastic job.
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Thank you so much. Not just for the kind words but also for sharing this. I’m not sure if your friends are male or female but if the former, then hopefully they will learn from this cautionary tale… Assuming they also happen to be desperate, horny losers like me and Ed of course.
And yes, £30 is ALWAYS the wrong price.
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They enjoyed it as much as I did.
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Jesus Christ…I don’t even let my own children drink out of my glass, so you can imagine my horror at a strange, cheap hooker’s blood being flung about.
That having been said, I’m fairly liberal with bodily fluids within a committed relationship, but in those cases…I’ve already done an STD screening and a credit check.
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Believe me Megan, the real thing was far worse… And yes, never forget the credit check. Ha. You do make me smile my dear.
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‘Tis mutual, dear…’tis mutual.
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This is REAL.
Sean, you put it all out there. What you see is what you get. I’d say you were the male version of me, except I’m the male version of me.
But I DIG this. Hilarious. Authentic. Unapologetic. Not looking for the easy “sympathy” vote- God, that bores me. This is FUN.
Can I have a part in the movie version of your book? I don’t want to play the cheap hooker, though. I don’t think I’d look good as a blonde.
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Thanks Samara. I’m so pleased you said that as it was actually after we’d spoken that I thought I’d highlight this post again.
This is actually one of the first stories I wrote and given the potential negativity surrounding the topic, I was even thinking about deleting it. But after your response to that ‘real men…’ piece, I thought, ‘fuck it, why not?’ Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there will be some readers of my blog that are offended but like you say, this IS real.
Ha. I’d just be happy if some people bought the book. But yes, if there ever was a film, you could certainly play a part my dear. There are high-end escorts, strippers, work colleagues and strangers… Just take your pick.
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Why potential negativity? It’s the world’s oldest profession.
If all male bloggers were as honest as you, women would appreciate it. I know I do.
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Yeah but you’re fucking cool Samara.
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Hey Sean, do you think Ed would have admitted to you when you met him years later that he had snagged something insidious during his romantic tryst down the alleyway with the lady on her moon? Incidentally, you used to be able to pick someone up off the streets here for less than 100, but my male friends tell me now that it’s all done online, and one of the “nice” ones can cost 200+ for an hour of “massages” and “conversation”.
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Ha. That’s a very good point actually V.
Ah yes, I’m all too familiar with ‘doing it online’. Smart phones and alcohol have lead to both some very good and very bad times… And your friends are right, those ‘conversations’ can be quite expensive.
I’m not even trying to be funny there. As a few times, I’ve actually been too drunk to do anything and I’ve ended up paying to essentially get naked and talk to girls about their day, life, boyfriend problems… You can’t make this shit up, honestly.
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Since the closing sounds like you’d lost touch with Ed, was it because of this incident?
And did you start keeping a small vial of colored water “blood” to get out of these messes in the future?
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Spot on Guap, but it wasn’t because of this. That weekend was the first time I’d met him and he’s also a few years younger than me so even if our mission had been a success, I’m sure our interaction would still be fairly limited.
I’m trying to make the vial of blood connection but I’m at a loss, forgive my ignorance. I got as far as vampires but that’s it..?
And in terms of avoiding these messes, I’ve just made sure never to go back to Forest (or any other) Road that’s known for this kind of thing.
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No – splash the blood on the hooker when no is watching, so it’s easier to just move on.
Unless bloody hookers is the kind of thing people like to pay extra for…
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Ahh okay, gotcha. Oh man, I don’t even want to think about that…
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😉
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Oh. My. God. That is one of the most hilarious/disgusting things I have ever read.
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That’s pretty much exactly what I was going for Miss Steele. Glad you liked it. Kind of.
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It was certainly entertaining
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That’s awful yet hilarious!!!! Haha!
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Ah Miss Speaks, welcome.
Yes, that seems to be the general reaction from everyone to this story. It really was quite awful at the time. But now that so many years have passed, I’m okay writing (and laughing) about it.
By the way, I picked up Bonsai Trees… Like your blog, it made me chuckle.
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Hilarious! I can’t wait for your book. How much longer?
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Thanks man. This actually features as part of a longer story in the book. So I’m glad you like it.
As for when, I’m really not sure. I’ve just been through the copy edited version so the rest is up to the self publishing company now… I think it’ll be another month at least.
In hindsight, perhaps I should have done things like you man. But I just wanted to give this the best shot I could… Hopefully it’ll all be worth it!
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Dude, you spin valuable life lessons while making me laugh… I appreciate that. This was kind of gross and very hilarious, which makes it a winner in my book.
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Thank you kindly sir. If people can laugh at my experiences then great. But if they can learn something at the same time..? Then my work here is done.
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And then some, I would say.
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I guarantee Ed never accepted a bargain so easily again…
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One can only hope Hook. One can only hope…
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S.S., sometimes the economy package is not a good deal.
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Don’t tell me. Tell Ed!
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