Smithson vs Girl Seule – The Threesome

When you’ve watched as much porn as I have, there are certain things you inevitably want to experience for yourself. And for me – and I imagine many guys – the top three were always: having sex with a MILF, anal sex and taking part in a threesome.

Now I actually managed to nail the first two (see what I did there) in one go, way back when I was still on the graduate scheme at XY. And in the 10 years that followed, I’ve repeated both feats three times. Though I may or may not have had to pay for it as an optional extra on one occasion.

But to date, the threesome still continues to elude me. As unless you’re incredibly lucky one drunken night, finding TWO girls who are genuinely comfortable with the MFF set-up is to find the proverbial needle(s) in a haystack.

In fact, I’ve yet to meet a guy who has ‘actually’ checked this off their sexual to-do list and was beginning to doubt it ever ‘just happens’ until I came across Girl Seule and her simply wonderful blog, The S-Word.

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If there is one thing I learned from having a go at a threesome, it’s that sexually, I just don’t dig chicks. This is no reflection on my gorgeous friend Tash who was also involved in said threesome but I think it’s safe to say I won’t be rolling round Taco Town again anytime soon (after this post, I’d have to say, LIKEWISE). Also, it’s hard enough to try and angle my body to hide the gross bits when having sex with one person, two people was nigh on impossible.

It was a Sunday evening in ’02 or ’03 and I was in a hotel room in Sydney with a couple of girlfriends and a guy named George that we had met hours earlier at a pub down in The Rocks. It had been a messy night that was about to get messier. One of my girlfriends had the good sense to head home, leaving two trashed girls and a trashed guy alone in a hotel room.

I went out on the veranda for a cigarette and returned to find Tash and George kissing on the bed. I sort of stood there feeling a bit awkward and pervy while Tash and George pashed on and dry humped each other.

I was about to make my excuses and leave when George stopped kissing Tash for a moment and asked me to join them.

Give it up for George everybody!

Nowadays, I wouldn’t be too keen to start hooking up with one of my mates, but with the devil-may-care attitude of a 20-year-old I decided to dive right in. Soon we were all taking turns kissing each other, hands wondering everywhere, clothes coming off. Guys, it’s OK if you have a boner right now as I do too.

Seeing as it was clearly supposed to be a three-some, Tash and I reckoned we probably should have a go at some girl on girl stuff. YESSS!

While Tash was making out with George, I decided to have an awkward attempt at, errrr, pleasuring her with my hands. Since that night I have not once mocked men for being unable to find the clitoris.

When it isn’t your own you are looking for, it really is quite hard to find. I know my way around my own vagina quite well, but touching another person’s just felt strange and confusing.

You know when you borrow someone else’s car and you are so used to driving your own on autopilot that you put the windscreen wipers on to indicate when you want to turn? Then you feel warm so you go to put the A/C on, only, somehow all you do is put on the heater and then you can’t turn it off. Then you go to put on the radio and find it’s tuned in to John Laws and you try and find how to turn it on to FM so you can put Triple J on while still trying to keep your eyes on the road, only you can’t figure out how. So you are driving along in a boiling hot car, listening to John Laws then it starts to rain so you put the blinker on? You know how that happens when you drive someone else’s car? Well that is how I felt trying to navigate my friend’s vagina. Best. Visual. Ever.

Tash had a sort of half-arsed attempt at going down on me, but I think she pretty much got down there, thought “Hmmm nope, eating pussy is just not for me,” and came back up again. The girl on girl action really wasn’t going anywhere, so George rolled on a condom, and Tash climbed on top and they started to go for it.

Tash has a magnificent set of large bosoms that would make most men go weak in the knees. Unfortunately, I am not most men. While she was on top, I thought I better try and get a bit more involved in this threesome lark, so I had a bit of a go at fondling her boobies. Breasts as we all know are soft and squishy and nice to look at, but groping around at my friends bosoms while she was on top of someone shagging him just felt a bit weird. Give her an A for effort though.

After a few minutes of bonking Tash, George offered me a turn.

Let’s hear it again for George

‘Why not?’ I thought. At that point it wasn’t like I had anything better to do.

“Yeah OK”, I said, “But can you put a different condom on first?” Nothing against Tash’s vagina but sharing a condom that had just been inside her made me queasy.

In the end, it was less of a three-some where everyone was into everyone, and more of a two chicks taking turns to have sex with a guy. A guy named George. A guy named George who was probably most pleased he decided to go and have a beer in The Rocks that night.

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So you see, even WHEN it ‘just happens’, it doesn’t even happen… Though at least I know where to go for drinks when I’m in Sydney three weeks from now!

What’s that? I hear you ask. Smithson’s off to Australia? I am indeed. And not only am I hoping to meet up with Girl Seule when I’m there, but possibly Sharn too, who’s genuinely bi. So you never know? If I play my cards right…

I might be able to turn THIS

into THIS

 WHOOPS

SORRY

I meant THIS

Annnnd CUT.

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Now I’ve been at this ‘blogging’ lark for around 10 months and for me, Girl Seule is second only to Jen, when it comes to clumsy, self-deprecating and downright unlucky women… Click on the links. You won’t be disappointed.

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If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.